This tends to be a subject that evokes passion in the voice of parents and teachers alike. The more hours we are spending at home, the more hours you may be seeing rough and tumble play and finding yourself pondering your responses.
I have 4 young boys. I often hear, “I bet your home is rough”, “active” or “loud”. As a society we seem to accept that at a boy’s core they tend to be active and stereotypically more aggressive than girls. A few years ago, a mother with grown sons recollected how many busted lips and bruises her young boys had caused her over their early years. I think on her each time my lip gets puffy by a hug too hard, or a foot to my face with their newly attempted ninja moves.
In many domestic settings, rough and tumble play is often muted and scolded, even more so in schools and community spaces. Understandably so, in our overly litigious world, we are concerned that others will get hurt and we will be responsible. In our efforts to keep kids safe, we have driven our society into “safe as can be” instead of as “safe as necessary”. To the point, I am hearing a resounding decision that schools take tag, red rover and similar games out of recess. The teacher’s experience often reports that kids are hitting too hard, kids are falling down, there isn’t the space, and teachers are tired of the headache of patrolling these encounters.
It doesn’t take long to recognize that this rough and tumble play is innate in our children, boys and girls alike (although studies show girls often prefer chase games and boys prefer wrestling and holding each other down) and is at a peak in the elementary years with kids spending approximately 17% of their day in rough and tumble play. But the big question is, does it serve a purpose? And what should we be telling our kids?
Rough and tumble play is a space where children learn empathy and regulating social relationships. In play fighting, they learn their own strength and that it hurts to be hit too hard. It is where they learn to grade their play. If children are not getting to experience this play regularly, they can struggle to know the appropriate amount of strength to touch in tag, or hold someone down. They learn boundaries of what their friends or siblings will allow them to do and where that line is crossed. When Dads and children wrestle, there is bonding similar to mothers rocking their children. When kids are severely deprived of this learning experience it can be detrimental.
Dr. Stuart Brown started research play in 1966 in search of understanding why a young man with no prior violent history performed the largest mass murder known to the US at that time. He then went on to study prisoners. In all cases, prisoners that had committed murders had very little play in their childhood. In fact, of the 26 he studied, none of them had participated in rough and tumble play.
There is a difference between rough and tumble play or play fighting and actually fighting. Here are some ways to recognize the differences, create boundaries, and relax in the moment.
In play fighting, kids are smiling, laughing, and generally happy. When kids are done with rough and tumble play, they will continue to play together. For the most part, during play fighting, supervision should tread lightly and only intervene as needed, i.e., safe surrounding areas (I often say clear the space or take it outside), boundaries aren’t being respected, it has turned into fighting.
In comparison in fighting, kids are crying or screaming. When it is over, they separate themselves. In our home, we use the phrase “stop”. Anytime they are wrestling, and stop is yelled, no explanation is needed all parties have to stop. It is our way of making sure everyone feels safe and is respected. If an accidental hard hit emerges, the boys quickly apologize. If it is too much, they ask if the other person wants an ice pack. That is our rhythm at ages 6,4, and 3, they do it all on their own…when they are playing.
There is this innate ranking system kids do with each other. Peter Gray speaks on how older children know to be extra gentle with younger ones, but out of respect for peers it is respectful to not wrestle too lightly. This graded play is taught through experience and is valuable in social skills throughout a lifetime.
